I AM MOST AWARE: To give a little foundation to this read, let me start by 

                                                                          saying I am a Virgo, and both of my parents served over 15 years each in the

                                                                          military, perfection is an understatement as to how I process completing a 

                                                                          task. I am actually quite compulsive about reaching perfection, which is

                                                                          agonizing when presented with the fact that there is no such thing as perfect. 

                                                                          What is a job well done where perfection does not exist but is expected.  I'll

                                                                          tell ya, high levels of agitation and micron pens that illustrate anxiety seem to 

                                                                          feel like a job well done to me.  I realized late in life that my low expectations

                                                                          of respect between individuals is actually a very high standard for most

                                                                          people.  I have been pushing for perfection everywhere I go, majority of my

                                                                          environments were not conducive to an outcome worthy of a perfectionists

                                                                          approval anyway.  It's all a set up. And how do I even begin to approach

                                                                          perfection when we imperfect humans are in power, why even try.  Aha,

                                                                          there's my good friend paranoia hinting at suicidal thoughts, right on time. 

 

When I realized that my pursuit of perfection made me so very imperfect I was crushed and humbled. Now that I've hit my late thirties, I've found that I tend to experience two emotions at once rather than just one.  The negative aggressive emotion hits first and if I sit with it for a few minutes in silence, the opposing more peaceful solution oriented emotion whispers helpful suggestions to my Artistic Soul.  I am 36 years old living through COVID and I have been challenged to reconstruct what healthy boundaries are, what kindness is, boy what a task.  My core memories started crumbling, one safe place at a time.  I quickly realized that I would have to change, reconstruct my ideals of perfection.  I would have to do things differently, most of which exist outside of my comfort zone. Sigh... 

 

Change to me feels like batting an empty penyata, alone, in the cold, without a coat. I know, I know drama queen. Yep thats why writing is soooo therapeutic. 

 

Since existing here in purgatory suggests that I must change to achieve peace, it became very important to me to learn what inspires me to change. I began each day to pay attention to when I would do something differently even if it was a tiny thing, I would ask myself why.  I would explore what caused the anomaly.  I came to two simple conclusions.  I would do things differently if a) I was trying to avoid something or someone, and b) I would change if inspired by another human being.  I found that doing things differently to avoid something or someone eventually led to more layers for porch therapy sessions.  To resolve that issue I am teaching myself to stand my ground, to not avoid situations or people, this is very challenging, but leads to less running and avoiding.  Practicing verbal communication is most effective, for this I will have to expand my vocabulary.  These things take time. 

 

Doing things differently because I am inspired by another human being has been my most favorite environment conducive to change. I noticed that when I am around patient people my innergy levels bounce through the roof.  I've notice that educators give me this vibe the best.  Individuals who are excited to share what they have learned and patient to teach it.  A few months back I was working for a company that sold C-Reader Pens.  The owner of the company is Winston Churchill's grandson and has dyslexia.  The company helps students with dyslexia access text so they can keep up with the class.  I have never been tested for dyslexia, but the product and everything around it made me feel a type of safe within education I have never felt before.  Words are hard for me to capture. Words tend to trigger massive images in my mind, next comes this deep impulse to illustrate the image, then the semester is over and I am sitting in front of a test with questions and way too many plausible possibilities. "OOPS!"

 

Learning has always been a struggle for me as I process seemingly unnecessary information that distracts from the focal point of the educator.  I learn best in one on one settings and have found audio and video recordings to work great as I can rewind and replay as much as I need for comprehension.  Education is Peace.  Now that I've learned this about myself, I make a point to surround myself around patient educators.  I am learning to communicate that I need patience from those who do not notice I am struggling, this is a challenging request for me and outside of my comfort zone, but it is my change necessary for my growth.  I have learned so much in a short period of time.  All of this learning has inspired changes within myself that seem to lead towards a more productive and closer to an impossibly perfect outcome.  Yeah, I'm not letting go of perfection, I told you I am a Virgo, August Virgo specifically.  I am grateful for those educators who are patient with my Artistic Soul.  I am most aware of my imperfections and inspired to change when surrounded by patient human beings : .